i’m good on the american dream…like…y’all can have that back!
i misused years of my life believing the american dream was mine, and i ain’t even from this country.
i mean it’s no unusual story for immigrating families chasing dreams outta their own homelands. back in the early 2000s, haiti had been going thru some traumatic transformations. insecurity, and kidnappings got all too familiar. after her safe release in 2005, my mom had enough, so we abruptly relocated to the states.
with the political, and economic instability in haiti, my mom birthed me in the states back in 1990. with an american citizenship, my parents really believed there wouldn’t be much obstacles to me pulling myself up by the bootstraps to chase the american dream. i believed it too. there was so much pressure to succeed as immigrants: it’s not like I could do otherwise. i learned english within the year, i stayed in the classroom and outta jail, i got me a few degrees and some student debts, and i even did all this unpaid labor glorified as field experience.
i was making choices after choices pursuing that dream: you know the white picket fence around this gorgeous 5 bedroom that we own, with a garage, some tiny feet playing around so hard diplomas are falling off the wall. and of course, the devoted god-fearing husband kissing me goodbye onto his well paying job. we can’t forget him, surely. and i’m here just smiling with all my white teeth as i’m stocking up the dishwasher. i really could be going back to my impressive career, but i don’t have to. with good credit, a working husband and an even better savings, why should i?
there really was a time i believed it was the pinnacle of living itself: that moment when you truly feel like you have it all. that time when you can finally truly enjoy being alive. like climbing to the peak of a mountain, and finally easing into that relieving breath. but then i saw others around me standing in that dream: compromised and dissatisfied. and yet there i was hard at work to manifest it. ye, it sounds nice but is it mines to live tho? do I really care about it this damn hard?
you may be thinking: ok sis, so you don’t want a career? kids? marriage? houses??
ok…read me out.
right now, i’m blessed to guide middle schoolers through their creative self-discovery. even within a school system, i’m elated at just the experience itself of simply supporting a young being into realizing from their own minds with their hands on some art supplies. money didn’t lead my choice of returning for another year. would i prefer to make more money? of course. and yet still, i enjoy the whirlwind of this part of my life, and i’m thankful for the ease of it. is this it for me? nah. this is just one source of laughter, growth, money, and absolute enjoyment. it’s just right for me right now. as a multi-passionate artist, i care about activities not based in career moves: just moments of feeling good, feeling growth and feeling secure. ultimately, i’m primarily about having a good time, and living more.
now about relationships…i’m very open to committed…rich…real…sensual…undeniably attractive and fun partnerships. yes! fuck yeS! but do i feel happy as i am? absolutely. romantic relationships, from what i’ve personally learned cannot be successfully sustained without emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial energy. collectively, i have plenty to give, so i’m receptive to attracting that blesson. when i do, i’m grateful. if i don’t, i’m just as grateful. it’s not a reality that i fear at all, nor is it one that i’m desperate to be part of. now does this mean cellf-love always feel better than romantic love? nah. or, perhaps i haven’t grown up enough to believe so. it’s like kale, …or raw aloe vera, …or a shot of juiced ginger…they may be some of the best things for you to consume, but do they feel/ taste the best? we ain’t gotta lie, now. like come on, can cellf-love entirely replace human connection?
do i aspire to a marriage license? the wedding? the ring? realistically, marriage really doesn’t reflect whether a relationship is valuable or successful. and let’s be real: marriage as an institution comes with responsibilities that you don’t have to shoulder outside of that legal agreement with the state. It’s a business! i cannot in all honesty downplay the freedom, and ease that comes with only having to worry about my own damn self. i see folks married, somewhere between desires and disappointments. i hear the rants, i witness the struggles, and it sounds like, i’m good. so, do i aspire to a marriage? not really. but it is an experience outta many that is a possibility for me. does it sound gratifying to have someone legally choose you? of course. will that shield you from heartbreak, betrayal, discomfort, indifference? nah. let’s not lie to ourselves: it’s a gamble.
now about them kids. birthing children of your own is a powerful experience. there was a time, i dreamt about it. i’m at this point in my life, truly, if it so happens: it is what it is. and if it doesn’t happen: it is what it is. either way, i’m thankfull. in this season of my life, i sure ain’t directing it towards voluntarily manifesting that. i’ve been engaging with children for years: be it as an aunty, god-mom, social worker, or an art teacher— all these roles require me to be nurturing. honestly, right now, that’s more than enough childrearing for me. right now, as a single woman, i’m not *looking* to sign up for a costly lifetime blesson: cus’ undeniably that’s what kids are to their parents in all the ways and always. this childfree experience has been very good, and convenient for me: so far so good, i can’t even lie.
the house? well, i’m on the fence about that. i don’t care to own one necessarily, but i do enjoy this vision: building a few with some loved ones on a homestead. imagine you and a group of people you love. a garden to the left, that avocado and mango tree over here, that permagarden over there, and the animals and the children living all around. you can even add some solar panels up in there. y’all are eating from the land, y’all are caring for each others’ children, and growing with each other on a day to day. no rent, multiple incomes incoming, and many hands? it sounds efficient. now do i want the responsibilities of actually owning a house? not really, but i do like that idea. it’s like seeing a lamborgini, but realizing a hyundhai will do you just fine.
point being, i’m not out here feeling unaccomplished because those experiences are not currently mines. at this point in time, this “american dream” doesn’t interest me enough to be invested. all i’m saying is, it actually feels pretty damn good on this side of the fence, and i can’t even complain.
with or without those additions, life is rich.
i exist in a reality where i’m engaged in experiences that encourage me to fear less, and live more. growth is inevitably part of it, and so there’s always so much to be grateful for.
~nuru
