some reasons why i’m willfully childfree for now…

Admittedly, yes: for now. ultimately, i’m an ever-evolving being. all through my 20s, and even a bit of my 30s, i very much resonated with being a mother one day, so perhaps this may change. but in this very now, without the right conditions, i intentionally/ consciously/ purposefully ain’t trynna bring no child into this ghetto matrix.

my mother has reminded me countless times of the consequences she bore in having me. and this was never no calm heart to heart. it was in moments of her feeling overstimulated and overburdened—with her voice raised, and her heart racing—she shared her truth. all the sacrifices, all the ways her body was never the same, how we both we both went into respiratory distress during birth, how costly it was to keep me alive, how worried she lives knowing i’m out there, or how sometimes i feel like a curse. when asked, she reassures me that she wanted to be a parent. but she too is an ever-evolving being. and sometimes, she regrets it too. and i used to take it to heart until i too was in the thick of adulting.

from a very young age, i was constantly reminded that i had a roof over my head, clothe, and food. really, they truly believed that was love enough. i asked my father once, “what is my favorite color?” he answered that it was my mom’s duty to know me. my father and i don’t really exchange i love yous nor does he express much pride or contentment (and the latter can also be said for my mother). nonetheless, because of his financial commitment to me, and his overprotective disciplining growing up, i came to believe that he loves me, but i highly doubt that he enjoys me. back then, My mother’s love was a lot more evident like in her cooking, or her caring for me when I was ill, or her overly worrying about my safety. At the same time, when it came down to affection or quality time, unless i initiate and insist on it, it has always been lacking. furthermore, conversations with my parents are very superficial and even stale. We don’t go deep unless i now as an adult child push for it. My parents’ childhood were marked by financial insecurity– a trauma that is still very evident in them now even with all of their achieved financial stability. As so, conversations often revolve around my career and my finances. the reality is, they’re typically busied up with their own goals, almost in the state of constant pursuit, so i learned really young that i was taking up space that deep down they want for themselves. so naturally, and progressively, i made myself small, and independent.

i’m also a child of immigrants. and if you don’t know about that experience, let me fill you in just a little bit. I relocated to the United States when i was 15 years old. my father initially remained in port-au-prince, while my mom in her 50s readjusted to life here with undervalued professional experiences, and a master’s degree deemed invalid. not only that, it was evident that she was navigating this guilt of now being in a long distance marriage. there was this palpable tension between the two which was only really expressed in their expectations of us as their children. they, as most immigrant parents do, applied an unnecessary and crippling pressure on my brother and i to achieve the “American dream.” my individuality held no importance to them—only my obedience, and my subservience matter. and so i felt like i was continuously trying to reconcile fitting into their narrow mold of success, while also still shaping my own. it felt like i had no choice but to constantly try to reach an exceptionally high bar lest i be pulled down into depression by their outright disapproval and disappointment.

and so truthfully, for a long time i desired motherhood because i wanted to prove to my parents that i could parent better than them, especially my father. I wanted to show them that I can accept all the versions of said children, that i can love on them with affection, that i can support them to be who they want to be not whom i dream them being, that i can spend quality time just as much as i spend money, or that i can be deeply interested in their likes/ their wants/ their icks, or that i can discipline them with dialogues instead of hands, or that they’re not a legacy but an invaluable blessing in my life. really, if i’m being honest, having children was a way to heal my own childhood wounds. as incredibly delusional as that sounds, it’s truly facts. it was like i wanted to be the parent i felt i deserved. in a way, yes, i did overstand that this would be a whole human that i would be creating with it’s own feelings, desires, and fears. at the same time—selfishly i wanted my response to their presence to make a point. but i’ve come to my senses now, so much so my period is indeed in a week.

the raw reality is as beautiful as it could be, as entertaining, and cute as children are, this tiny human is not a toy or an accessory. they’re gonna grow a personality and make choices that potentially aren’t aligned with your dreams, your guidance, or all the work you put in. you don’t get time off unless you have a support system or the financial means that allow it. between the lack of parental leave or adequate healthcare, or childcare affordability, this country doesn’t operate in favor of stressless procreation. once they’re 18, it doesn’t mean that all of a sudden they no longer need you, or that your worries move out with them. what if they have a condition or a need, be it physical, mental or medical? that child all the more not only requires, but deserves your emotional, physical and financial energy. Regardless, it’s a lifelong 25/8 commitment without guaranteed benefits: I.e. healthy relationships, genetic resemblance, or a retirement care plan.

currently, the way my coins are adding up, i have more than enough for me, myself and i. for me and mines, i have high standards. and this may mean different realities to different people. i’d want my family and i to be well rested, well fed, supported and engaging in adequate amount of playful/blissful experiences. and alla that comes at a price i want to afford easily and comfortably. struggle is not for us. With monthly childcare services costing as much as rent, thriving and mothering aren’t adding up for me.

besides, the way i have seen many men tap out, disengage and leave a woman to bare this responsibility has me shook to my uterus. this patriarchal society has (whether legally or culturally) allowed men to choose when and when not to parent. childcare should be a shared weight, and it really hasn’t been. men are not raised to take on the daily logistics of nurturing families. at a very young age, i was taught to do laundry, cook, clean and babysit—the marker of a “good wife” they argued. meanwhile, my brother wasn’t required to learn these life skills along with me. in fact, it was continuously reinforced in me that i needed to learn said skills because one day i would be a mom, while my brother was on the other hand conditioned to be a provider, and a protector. it’s no wonder that i’ve seen many men looking for a maternal replacement instead of an actual partner.

Up until i was in a relationship with a woman for 3.5 years, I’ve never really contemplated having children with realistic lenses. It was always something that i felt would be the natural progression of a relationship. Really, my male exes and I spoke of trivialities: like names, and whether our girls could have piercings and boyfriends. with our childhood traumas along for the ride, her and i very quickly decided we wanted to raise children together. of course with us being females, meant that we’d have to seek out alternative ways to conceive or to even experience motherhood. there couldn’t be no accident: this had to be a carefully thought out, and sought out experience. through this relationship, i deeply considered fostering, and that is a service that i’m still open to, knowing that to some extent there’s not only a time limit, but also it is to support a being that is already here. While we were open to all the options viable, pregnancy was preferred. Between the financial investment from the outset, to the consideration of who should be the father, it really put the choice of having children in perspective.

with me being pansexual, yes I could very well enter another same-sex relationship, and while this could level out the weight of childcare, it doesn’t take away from the fact that this is still two individuals coming together. your ability to work well as a unit can truly impact that child’s wellbeing. Breakups whether heterosexual or otherwise will affect the child just the same if not more. can we coparent if we breakup? who keeps the children? how do i enforce child support? should there be an adoption? i mean…it really doesn’t make it any better. additionally, there’s an added “complication” of them perhaps feeling the absence of their other genetic half. how do you compensate for that? what if the sperm donor doesn’t want any involvement? and beyond that, the list goes on. we could, with all my good intentions, still fuck them up. i could even die before they’re ready leaving them to discover this world without my guidance. sure, i’d be in the spiritual realm fighting for them, but it sure ain’t the same. I’m also black, therefore my children will at least be half black in a collective reality that can be very anti-black as much it loves the black mind. oh, and i have virgo placements😅. All of a sudden, having children wasn’t as exciting as I originally imagined. 

quite frankly, i’m still trynna parent my damn-self. i am my child. for all i care, this bloodline can end with me. and as for a legacy? that is some self-absorbed, trauma-ridden and insecure reason to bring a whole ass being into this realm. ultimately, your children take on some your genes, and some of someone else’s and mix it up into their own being. so said children won’t be me, and neither should i expect them to be. Mainly though, i have no interest in populating the world. have you seen what we’ve been up to as a human race? earth herself seems to barely want us: she’s throwing tantrums left and right! Earthquakes?? tsunamis?? droughts?? hurricanes?? No ma’Am.

in the midst of people’s desires, tickles, or fever to have children, some forget that you are willingly taking on the task of developing and shaping a whole ass human that will consequently affect this world for better or worse. Even well before that, the level of stress that your body could undergo as a woman is not talked about enough: loss of teeth or hair, constant vomiting, bleeding gums, hyper-irritability, weight gain, lack of sleep, swollen body parts, high hormonal imbalance along with an exhausting list of other traumas. And still, an uncomfortable or even painful pregnancy doesn’t guarantee that you or the baby will even make it through, much less be healthy post-birth. Pregnancy is romanticized but from what i’ve witnessed, it ain’t for everybody. I’ve just in the last 5 years resolved my own body related insecurities as it is, so for now, to chance having to undertake this healing all over again is a no for me. And to think, all it requires of a man is to plant his seed inside of me–a pleasurable experience for him at that. what i know now is that my worth is not down to me creating life. there was a point, it was quite tender to discuss this mythical biological clock. now, it’s but a body process—when it comes, let it.

Really, every sexual experience i’ve had with men has always triggered a very intense pregnancy scare. yes, even while being protected! In a way, i could argue, i’ve always down to my core leaned more towards being child-free, but the conditioning was real. i’ve never been in a situation where i had to choose to have an abortion. truly, i’m not sure i could endure the emotional or medical repercussions of doing it. in my current well rested, childfree mind, i don’t believe i could ever. but, then again, for some situations, you don’t truly know how you’d react until you’re very well in ‘em. 

to be honest, i enjoy being around children, more than adults most times. in fact, i work with children ages 4-14. I have been doing so in different capacities since 2015. Not only that, I’ve been that friend/ aunty/ cousin whom others have relied on to babysit since i was at least 12 years old, from newborns onward. And i’m telling you, this time with kids is increasingly the most effective birth control i could have ever asked for. children at their best: they’re loving, entertaining, blunt, energizing, creative, all kinds of weird and funny. nonetheless, in my years of experiencing them whether professionally or personally, i’ve realized that children can be so oblivious to what it requires to generate a life where they’re happy, and healthy. they can be such self-absorbed, dramatic and ungrateful. let’s be real, the energetic demand here cannot be underestimated. But to be fair, they didn’t ask to be here, so it’s like* you can’t even blame them.

have you seen gen alpha’s antics? Their disrespect for authority or elders, their attention span, or their challenges with emotional regulation?? I know parents are definitely being tested. Right now, being a teacher and aunty is mothering enough for me. as much as the u.s. undervalues teachers and social workers, they do step in for parents for 40+ hours weekly. we uplift them, help them recenter themselves, educate them, feed them, redirect them. come dismissal, i be ready for them to get back to their families so I can refocus on me. 

i’ll be 34 this year. and at this big age, being child-free is one blessing you could never gaslight me out of. i’m not trynna be radical or revolutionary. i’m just being rational. i hear the stories, i witness the struggles and i’m like….ye…i’m good for now. being childfree right now is a blessing and half, and then some. i love it so much!

ultimately, unless you truly want and can: carve out adequate quality time for you with this being, don’t do it. unless you truly want and can: love upon them daily and unconditionally, don’t do it. unless you truly want and can: make your life considerably less about you and more about them, don’t do it. unless you truly want and can: support yourself and them financially, don’t do it. honestly, get a cat, better yet get a plant.

and for those of you who are wholeheartedly doing parenthood right now, i see you! i know it ain’t easy.

respectfully,

~nuru